How many times must I cry this week?

The past week was horrible! There was a reason for me to cry almost everyday. I’m still feeling very down now. *Sigh* Can someone or something cheer me up?

It all started with last Sunday, 29 March. It was Fahrenheit’s qian chang hui. Reached IMM at about 2 with Adeline. The queue was so long, and after trying to find the end of the queue for some time, we gace up and positioned ourselves at the escalators that they will be taking when they go down. After what seem like ages later, they showed up. To my horror, they showed up BEHIND me. Everything though they will come by the door that will lead straight to the escalator but nooo, they came up the entrance that was almost directly behind me and Adeline.

It didn’t strike me until it was kind of late. First, many security people came out then I saw a face that was very shuai. So, I was thinking to myself. So shuai still go be security guard, what a waste. Then Adeline was like “Hey, Ya Lun!” or something and then I realized that he was Ya Lun. HAHAHA. I think I’m super slow so I just stared at him and he was like less than a metre away from me? I just stared and stared at him like he was some kind of god (I must have looked stupid) and then he was smiling and waving to everyone. OMG, his eyes are super nice and mesmerizing. Why do I sound like a stalker? And then, I called his name lah DUH. I was like “Ya Lun, Ya Lun, YA LUN!!!” Wahsey, it was super noisy that he could barely hear me and I realized that if I don’t shout, he would be gone- just like that. So when he already passed me, I just shouted to try my luck and he turn around to wave, at me! (: Yay! Felt very accomplished. Next was Calvin which I just stared, then Wu Zun then Jiro. I didn’t really bother screaming anymore because I must conserve energy for Ya Lun that will appear at the top of the escalator once they go around the pillar. Maybe it was due to my quietness that Wu Zun looked at me. Eh, seriously! I wasn’t even looking at him. I was still looking at Ya Lun’s back and then I turned to see the rest and I found Wu Zun looking at me. REALLY!!! I guess he smiled and I’m not quite sure if I smiled back but I do remember me shouting “Da Dong” which Jiro totally never hear but it’s okay. So they went down the escalator blah blah blah.

Rushed to the exit but the security people didn’t let us out. Boo! They were singing outside. I could hear abit and abit is wayyy not enough lor! Finally after some pushing from behind, I was out in time to catch them singing momo. :D Very nice! However it was raining and so it sort of sucked abit. Adeline was trying to help me and she took out her shoes and climb onto the pots (?) to help me take pics and video while I stood there like an idiot. I was searching my bag frantically for my umbrella and I couldn’t find it. Wahsey! I was still scolding myself for my unpreparedness and then I saw a very good spot to see them but it was in the rain. I don’t know why but I started searching my bag again and the umbrella appeared. HAHAHA. So yeah, we somehow managed to get to almost beside the stage there for me to stare at them somemore and for Adeline to help me take photos.

Okay fast forward abit. Went to join the queue to get my album signed. Guess what? I was the LAST person. Lucky or what? Hmm, actually it took me some effort to be the last okay? So I was feeling very happy because last means I can talk to them more. :D After queuing for hours, we reached to near the stage but they started cutting the queue off and then, since time was running out, they decided to only sign one song booklet even if you have two. They had another celebration right after that so time was really running out. It was like 7 plus already? Oh anyway, Ya Lun had some stomach problem and they went to the toilet. Just nice, I was beside the path that led to the entrance to the building. So when they walked past, (it was very dark already) I almost missed Ya Lun lah. Although they were wearing white. See, I told you I’m quite blind. Then Wu Zun walked passed and people around me screamed while I remained calm of course. Then I have no idea why but I had eye contact with him again. I deduce that he probably has a friend who looks like me.

Then they were gonna leave for their next programme and I still didn’t get my album signed. Sad me and everyone still in the queue protested. Then they decided that they will shake hands for 15 mins. Everyone squeezed to get in front, including me, but it’s quite hard to squeeze with a bag. If I’m by myself, I would have made it to the front easily lor, seriously. Then omg, they cut the queue off half way and I was right in front of the stage, like the first row. Although I was still some distance away, I could see the four of them clearly. They began apologizing about not being able to entertain everyone. Then it struck me I wouldn’t be able to shake Ya Lun’s hand then I cried. I know 9/10 people reading this will probably laugh and think I’m super silly but I really really really like Ya Lun a lot. You wouldn’t understand. I wrote a letter for him in Chinese. This requires a lot of effort okay? And I only checked the dictionary once, haha, not bad. So anyway, I was at the front and my tears just rolled down and while I was wiping them away, I had eye contact with Ya Lun who sort of looked away. I was staring at him throughout the time when they were apologizing. I know staring is rude lah, but it’s my idol so I am entitled to stare. So it ended just like that and it was 8 plus already and their next programme was supposed to start at 730. I was crap company to Adeline after that and I cried so much that I used up like 5 packets of tissues. I’m so silly now that I think of it.

Another time I cried was the touch rug match against NYJC on wed. We won 5-4 but some of my team mates got sent off in the process because they were offside. It came as a shock to me as when Fann was sent of, I was playing and I was thinking “Oh crap, forever 5 against 6?” I already felt very discouraged. Not to mention I had cramps so I played like rubbish. I dropped the ball twice and I felt like shit. It was a miracle that we won though. I didn’t intend to cry but then everyone was talking and then Jo-lin’s voice broke when she talking and she was standing opposite me. And, I have a bad habit of crying when I see people cry. It’s a confirm reflex reaction of mine which I’ve been trying to ditch since like forever. So I cried too. Thankfully I was carrying the team bag so I had tissue to use.

The last time I cried was yesterday. During karate. I was forced to fight 5 guys that are obviously stronger than me and then I was damn tired already. It was worse that running 2.4 by a million times. I don’t even have a choice of stopping. I had to continue and continue and continue. Siao. I could barely breathe and feel my body during the third fight and yet my sensei made me continue. Even the other teacher was asking if I could stop. Imagine fighting for like what.. half an hour? It felt that long, or even longer maybe. During the fourth man, I was like going to break down already. The physical hurt is nothing, I can withstand that but it’s like I want to break down mentally already. I want to exit the room and shout “I quit” but could I? Tempted as I was, I didn’t. The fourth guy I fought saw my tears coming. I didn’t want to appear weak so that they will pity me and let me pass so I closed my eyes and took in a super long breath. Not to mention, there were many other people there that I don’t even know. When I fought him, it was like hell. I just stone there and let him kick me, I made no attempts to defend myself. I felt so defeated. Of course it was pain like hell and before I could react, he was going to throw me on to the floor already. I was back facing him and I could feel the throw coming. So many emotions. I wanted to cry so badly but who can understand. Ya, so anyway when he was trying to throw me I refused to move. Even when he kicked my legs so that I’ll give way, I still stood there, like an idiot. I know that even if he threw me, it would only be right because he’s a three degree black belt? But I was so frustrated so I gave him a back kick and he moved back a lot, almost off the mat. I could tell that he was shocked, so was everyone, so was I. So throughout the fight, I didn’t get thrown, thank god. But after wards, I just sat at the side and cried. No one should come talk to me when I cry because it’ll only make me feel worse. So anyway everyone steered clear of me and was watching my friend fight and I begin to calm down. Actually the reason why I stopped crying was cos I was carrying the same bag as I did as when I went to see fei lun hai and I used up all my tissues already. LOL. Then my sensei just has to come and talk to me and I cried again, like a waterfall. Even when I try to think of something happy like Ya Lun, I cannot stop crying because I’ll think of him not shaking my hand I’ll cry even more. So basically, I got nothing to cheer me up. =( I messaged Jia Yin after everything who called me back. Thank you. (: However, she caused me to cry again and I had no tissue. Argh!

This post is so depressing. I’m suffering from a lot of mood swings lately. I hope this coming week will be a non-crying week. My tear glands are tired enough already and I’m sick of drinking water to replenish the water level in my body.

Went AJ funfair with Bei Jin today morning. Met Adeline. Saw Ming Shan, Wang Ling and some other people. Bought some food and ate. I think Siow Yu has a very good looking friend. Actually I found him good looking when she showed her photos already and I asked her for more info then. And today, I met him in real life and yeah, he’s really darn good looking. Siow Yu, if you’re reading this, don’t laugh or I’ll throw your Wen Le down the childcare centre window. Oh, did I mention Siow Yu was the emcee? I wanted to irritate her but couldn’t really do anything. If only I could throw something at her. I wonder why they even made her the emcee of the event. Must be because she’s too smart. In the end, I ended up giving her my half drunk can of Sprite which I wanted to throw at her but I couldn’t finish drinking.

Okay, there’s trial spa tmr and I need to go do Loci assignment. Hopefully, I’ll have time to come online at night again. Bye! :D

全世界都停了电 全世界都封了街

我所有窗子外面 被贴上黑夜

我呐喊思念 却没人听见

绝望到极点剩的是疲倦